Can I still write? For some reason this morning, I have woken up and felt drawn to the computer to write. An act that a couple of years ago would have felt almost routine but for the last 12 months, my writing addiction has taken second place to post graduate degrees, trip to South Africa and Jules’ own personal walks of Edinburgh. Maybe though writing is like riding a bike that once you have mastered the basis, you never quite forgot and let’s face it, there's nothing wrong with my imagination, which helps fuel my create flow.
They say writers have a habit - how they write and where they write. I don’t know whether there is a ‘how’ to my writing. I just think it circulates my brain until the words are ready to come through in physical forms through my typing. The 'where' is now the box room in my flat, which was transformed last year into a study with the hands that are now writing. It is a cool room as I have an ideas walk that is filled with pictures and quotes to fuel the word power and then everywhere else there is paper. (Yes this should be me doing spring cleaning but as it is only 8.50am in the morning, there is time yet to be sensible.) I have a mug of strong coffee beside me, with a jug of milk on the other side and the computer has a selection of music playing at me. It is funny, music, when writing, is very important for me and most of my stories will have been penned to certain songs and this week Coldplay released their new album,Viva La Vida, which I think is very strange as it is the same week that I went back to writing group, one of the bands, who I have spent hours listening and writing to, is back in the spotlight. Maybe it is time Jules’ writing came back into the spotlight. I say my writing as I think over the last 12-18 months, I have managed to attract spotlights right, left and centre.
So why has the spotlight been on me? I decided to do good and everyone started to make a fuss. I don’t know, the decisions to volunteer for Samaritans and walk moonwalks were very personal for me and were related to experiences in my life that it was never about getting noticed. I wanted to make positive from some very negative/sad memories. Then, what happen, was a colleague & friend from work thought she would nominate me for an award. My nomination form was good. I work in Marketing and we know how to sell things to the world and I was sold very well.
It was late December 2006, when I had been told that I had been shortlisted from about 300 applications down to 3 finalists for outstanding individual volunteer of the year (there is six awards so that equates to 18 finalists). I was speechless - that December was filled with priceless Christmas presents as I also got an unexpected promotion at work and got my status as a full volunteer with Samaritans. Things do come in three, although I think 2006 will always be the year I got my flat in Edinburgh - a place that still makes me beam from ear to ear.
Anyway, I am beginning to get sidelined, the nomination was followed by getting filmed and then the awards in Cafe Royal in January 2007. It is still a blur what really happened that night when they read my name out as the winner - suddenly, I was part of an elite group at HBOS for all the right reasons. It’s funny, I have just been back to the 2008 HBOS awards, and watching this year’s winners, makes what happened even more unreal to think I am one of the past winners. To give you an idea of what the size of HBOS awards. There are 60,000 colleagues in HBOS, only 300 people get to attend the awards each year and out of them, there are only six awards. The awards are in their 5th year so there are only 30 winners in the hall of fame. Believe me, it is the only elite group, I have ever been in. Although a good friend and promoter of volunteering has said that he might throw me out if I don't I think he has forgotten that this year (2008) I have raised nearly £10,000 pounds for Scope.
So it is true to say that 2007 started well and believe me if you ever get a chance to go through the award experience, it is something you will never forget. It is also something that I thought I would never go through. One award in one lifetime is enough (although if I am being honest the HBOS awards was my third award), but for me, I would find myself accepting another award on my 30th birthday for volunteering. Madness to be recognise at national level for volunteering because I wouldn’t say that I am the world’s best volunteer and there are many people who spend their whole lives supporting others, furthering communities without being recognised, and I would much preferred these people to be recognised over me. I do my bit because I know how important it is to know that there are people to support you no matter what. What is most important to me is my family and friends as they are the richest awards I could every have in my life.
I suppose that is why I signed up for South Africa. I don’t know, I think it was a reaction to hitting 30, winning awards and the need to have an adventure. Sometimes I think it was madness on my part, but it just felt right, to stretch myself both physically and mentally.
I have just taken a break to get some Wheatbix, which I am now eating whilst typing. My dad wouldn’t approve - I can hear his voice - don’t get your breakfast on the computer. I shouldn’t have gone to get breakfast as it highlighted how badly my flat needs clean, but it is still early so I am going to keep writing - it would just be my luck if someone came a visiting! Where was I? Yes, South Africa - the 10 days trek and climb of Table Mountain in aid of Scope. One of the most amazing times of my life. Stripped naked of every comfort of Edinburgh life, I have never felt more free or accepted in my life. That statement must sound weird so I am going to try and explain that. I know I am accepted in life, I have friends in Edinburgh, a supportive family, etc. But out in South Africa, I was truly alone, without a comfort zone and without the knowledge of knowing that I could go and walk 10 mins to find someone who knew me. It was one of the most moving experiences of my life because I think out of all the people on the trip, the one person who started to accept herself was me. That does sound weird but I think I have sometimes been at odds with myself over my disability and given myself a hard time over things I cannot control. I suppose there is a part of me that always deemed myself ugly because of my disability and it was although in the middle of the South Africa’s safari, I actually saw myself clearly and I actually liked what I saw. Funny how, it wasn’t at the ceremonies of the awards ceremonies when I was dressed up to the nines and receiving Cartier watches that I saw this, it was when I was in the middle of Africa in shorts and t-shirts walking behind the group. The experience gave me a confidence that I am not going to say wasn’t there, it just changed slightly in me. The complete validation was on the boat in Cape Town, watching the sunset go down on the horizon and having a tall dark stranger tell me how beautiful my voice was. Never has anyone told me that I have a beautiful voice and I don’t even know whether this man even knew I was handicap or whether he were sincere in their words or just enjoying my low cut top, but he spoke to my soul and to the little girl in me who used to be scared of her own voice. I know his words and that brief moment we shared will stay with me forever. The trip was life-changing, it reaffirmed to me who I am and what I want to do - to use my experiences to help others through volunteering and by sharing my journey to help others. It sounds stupid and almost big headed when you see it on screen, but it is truly what I want to do, and I have been told by others that my story is powerful. An example of this was at writing group this week, I read out To sit on top of the Table, a poem about climbing Table Mountain and Alan said how positive it was. It is funny, Alan’s comments somehow validated some of my thoughts I have been having recently.
So what I am going to do with my writing? I think in Dawson’s Creek, it is said to one of the characters that they are most definitely a writer, but that is the easy part, the hard part is knowing what to do with it? The dreamer in me, would love to buy a laptop, rent out my flat, quit my job and go back to Marrick for six months and write. Really see whether I could turn my novel into a best seller, but alas I know the reality of money and being able to write, means that keeping down a job and having the security of life, means that running back to South Africa is a pipe dream.
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